Isizungu—Ukuhlushwa Okufihlekile
UNGAKWAZI yini ukubabona esixukwini? Ingabe siyabonakala ebusweni babo? Lapho bekubingelela, ingabe ukumomotheka kwabo kuyosifihla? Ungasibona yini ngendlela abahamba ngayo, indlela abama ngayo? Phawula ikhehla elihleli lodwa ebhentshini epaki noma owesifazane osemusha ozihambela yedwa emnyuziyamu wezobuciko—ingabe bahlushwa isizungu? Ake uhlole lezizukulwane ezintathu ezimelelwa umama, indodakazi, nomzukulu ezishaywa umoya esikhungweni sezitolo. Zibonakala zijabule ngokwanele, kodwa ungaqiniseka? Cabangela abantu osebenza nabo. Kungenzeka ubazi njengabantu abajabulayo abanemikhaya ekhathalelayo futhi abahola imali eyanele ukuze bazondle ngokufanele. Nokho, kungenzeka yini ngempela ukuthi omunye wabo athi, “Nginesizungu”? Kungenzeka yini ngomusha ojabulayo nonobungqabavu ukuba abe nesizungu? Izimpendulo zalemibuzo zingase zikumangaze.
I-Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary ichaza amagama athi “ukuba nesizungu” ngokuthi “ukuveza umuzwa wokucindezeleka noma ukulahlwa.” Siwumuzwa wokuntula okuthile, wokuzizwa ungelutho ngaphakathi, futhi asiqapheleki ngaso sonke isikhathi ekubukekeni komuntu kwangaphandle. Omunye umcwaningi uthi: “Emphakathini wethu, isizungu siyimfihlo esingayembuli—ngezinye izikhathi nakithi ngokwethu. Isizungu sinezibazi ezihambisana naso. Umphakathi unombono ovamile wokuthi uma unesizungu, yiphutha lakho. Ngalé kwalokho, ngabe unabangane abaningi, akunjalo?” Lokhu kungaba yiqiniso ngezinye izikhathi, ikakhulukazi uma silindela noma sifuna okwengeziwe kwabanye kunokuba kufanele.
Abesifazane Abanesizungu
Kubonakala ochwepheshe bevumelana ngokuthi abesifazane—ikakhulukazi abesifazane abashadile—babo bonke ubudala balindela okuningi ekuphileni kunamadoda. Ngokuqondakalayo, abafelokazi, abesifazane abahlukanisile, nabesifazane abadala abangashadile baba nesizungu ngezinye izikhathi. Kodwa kuthiwani ngabesifazane abashadile abanemikhaya ababonakala bejabule? Ngokwesibonelo, cabangela lokhu kukhala kukathisha oneminyaka engu-40: “Anginaso isikhathi sabangane; ngiyalahlekelwa kakhulu yilokho. Kodwa ngizizwa ngingakhululeki ngisho nanokukusho lokho. Ngingakhononda kanjani ngokuba nesizungu . . . ? Phela, nginomshado omuhle kakhulu, izingane ezinhle, ikhaya elihle, umsebenzi engiwuthandayo. Ngiyaziqhenya ngengikufezile. Kodwa kukhona okuntulekayo.”
Nakuba abesifazane bengase babathande ngempela abayeni babo futhi babeqotho kubo futhi bathole ukusabela okufanayo kubangane babo bomshado, uthando olunjalo aluzanelisi ngempela zonke izidingo zabo zobungane. Uthisha wesikole ocashunwe ngenhla uyachaza: “Ngisho nakuba umyeni wami engumngane wami omkhulu, akusiqedi isidingo sokuba nabangane abahle besifazane. Amadoda angase ezwe, kodwa abesifazane bayalalela. Umyeni wami akafuni ukuyazi indlela engicindezeleke ngayo. Ufuna ukuthatha isinyathelo ngokushesha futhi axazulule inkinga. Kodwa abangane bami besifazane bayangivumela ukuba ngikhulume ngakho. Futhi ngezinye izikhathi ngidinga nje ukukhuluma.”
Lapho owesifazane elahlekelwa othandekayo ngokufa noma ngesehlukaniso, ukuphazamiseka kwakhe ngokomzwelo kungase kube kukhulu kakhulu. Isizungu siyagadla. Akumelwe nje ukuba umfelokazi olilayo noma owesifazane owenze isehlukaniso aphendukele emkhayeni nakubangane bakhe ukuze athole ukusekelwa kodwa kumelwe futhi aphendukele emandleni akhe angaphakathi ukuze azivumelanise nalesimo esisha esingokoqobo. Nakuba ukulahlekelwa kwakhe kuyohlala kuyingxenye yokuphila kwakhe, kumelwe aqaphele ukuthi akakuvumeli ukuba kube isiphazamiso sokuqhubeka enza okuthile ekuphileni kwakhe. Ochwepheshe baye bathola ukuthi labo abaqinile ngokomzwelo ngokuvamile bangase banqobe isizungu sabo ngokushesha kunabanye.
Kunemibono engafani ngokuthi ubani ozwa ubuhlungu obukhulu—oshonelwe noma owenze isehlukaniso. Umagazini i-50 Plus wabika: “Njalo lapho simemela abantu abenze isehlukaniso emaqenjini ethu okuxhasa abafelokazi, lamaqembu amabili agcina ephikisana ngokuthi ubani ozwa ubuhlungu obukhulu. Umfelokazi uthi, ‘Bheka, okungenani umngane wakho womshado uyaphila,’ kuyilapho umuntu owenze isehlukaniso ethi, ‘Bheka, awukaze waliwe njengami. Awunawo umuzwa wokuhluleka.’”
Amadoda Anesizungu
Uma kukhulunywa ngesizungu, amadoda awanakuzigabisa ngokuthi yiwona anamandla kulamaqembu amabili obulili. “Amadoda asingatha izinto ngendlela engokomzimba kakhulu kunengokomzwelo,” kusho u-Anne Studner, uchwepheshe wohlelo i-Widowed Persons Service lwe-AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). “Abesifazane baxoxa ngosizi lwabo ngokuphindaphindiwe, kodwa amadoda ayozama ukuphinde ashade kunokuba abhekane nosizi.” Abeluleki besilisa bangase basebenzise isikhathi esiningi namadoda afelwe ngaphambi kokuba kancane kancane aqale ukuxoxa ngemizwa yawo engokomzwelo.
Ochwepheshe baye bathola ukuthi amadoda, ngokungafani nabesifazane, afuna umngane wesifazane ukuze athulule isifuba kuye kunokuba afune indoda. UDkt. Ladd Wheeler, uchwepheshe ophathelene nezesizungu eYunivesithi yaseRochester, uveza ukuthi abesilisa abathululelani isifuba ngokujule ngokwanele ukuze bazizwe besondelene ngokomzwelo. “Isidingo sokubalekela ukuzehlukanisa okukhungathekisayo okungokomzwelo ngemva kokulahlekelwa umfazi, nokuxoxa nomngane wesifazane kamuva, kungase futhi kusize ukuchaza isizathu esenza ukuba ngokuvamile amadoda aphinde ashade ngokushesha ngokwengeziwe kunabesifazane ngemva kokushonelwa umfazi noma isehlukaniso.”—Umagazini i-50 Plus.
Izingane Ezinesizungu
Kunezizathu eziningi ezenza ukuba izingane nabantu abadala abasebasha babe nesizungu—ngokuvamile ezifanayo nalezo ezithinta abantu abadala. Ukuthuthela endaweni entsha nokushiya abangane emuva; ukungathandwa ofunda nabo esikoleni esisha; izizinda ezingokwenkolo nezobuhlanga; isehlukaniso ekhaya; umuzwa wokuthi abazali abakuthandi; ukungamukelwa abantu bobulili obuhlukile—izinto ezinjalo ziphawuleka njengezici ezibangela isizungu.
Abasebancane kakhulu badinga othile ozodlala nabo. Badinga ukusekela okungokomzwelo nokuqonda. Badinga uthando nokuqinisekiswa ngokubaluleka kwabo. Kumelwe bazi ukuthi abanye bazoba qotho futhi bathembeke. Lapho bethandwa, bazizwa belondekile futhi nabo bafunda ukubonisa uthando kwabanye. Lokusekela kwezenhlalo kungase kuvele emithonjeni ehlukene—umkhaya, ontanga, ngisho nezilwane ezifuyiwe ezingabangane.
Kokubili abafundi besilisa nabesifazane, kusukela ebangeni eliphansi kuya ekolishi, ngokuvamile bahlushwa isizungu ngezinga elifanayo, ezikhathini eziningi esilethwa ukungamukelwa ontanga. “Angizizwa kahle ngenxa yokuthi ngingedwa futhi angixoxi,” kukhala omunye umfundi wesifazane wasesikoleni esiphakeme. “Ngimane nje ngilalele uthisha, ngenze umsebenzi wami wesikole kube kuphela. Lapho kunesikhathi esikhululeke ngaso, ngimane ngizihlalele ngidwebe noma ngenze okuthile. Bonke abantu bayaxoxa, kodwa akekho oxoxa nami. . . . Ngiyazi ukuthi anginakuhlala ngingaxoxi phakade. Okwamanje, yilokho kuphela engingakwenza.”
Nokho, akunakusolwa ngokufanele ukuqhela noma ukuzehlukanisa kwabanye abantu ngaso sonke isikhathi. Umuntu angase abe nezinkinga zokuziphatha noma zezobudlelwane, njengokuba namahloni ngokweqile, ukuba nolaka, nokuba yisififane ngokweqile nokuba nobunzima bokuzwana nontanga yakhe. Ukukhubazeka nakho kungaba nendima ebhubhisayo ekubangeleni intsha yabo bonke ubudala ukuba ibe nesizungu ngaphandle kwalapho abanjalo beqinile futhi benobungane.
Isidingo Sokuzisiza
Umfundisi wezempilo uDolores Delcoma waseCal State Fullerton wakhomba iqiniso eliyisihluthulelo lapho ephawula ngomzamo womuntu wokulwisana nesizungu: “Lomzamo kudingeka ukuba usuke enhliziyweni. Ekugcineni kumelwe ayiqaphele inkinga yakhe ngoba kungakhathaliseki ukuthi abantu bazimisele kangakanani ukusiza, okuwukuphela komuntu ongamsiza ukuba agqashule uyena ngokwakhe.”
Labo abazifaka ngokwabo ebunzimeni bokuhluleka ukulungisa isimo bachazwa uDkt. Warren Jones njengabantu abathambekele ekunqotshweni isizungu: “Labantu ngokungenhloso benza izinto ezibavimbela ukuba bazizwe besondelene nabanye. Abanye abakwazi ukulalela, futhi ababanikezi abanye ithuba lokukhuluma. Bavame kakhulu ukugxeka abanye nabo ngokwabo; babuza imibuzo embadlwana, futhi ngokuvamile babhidliza ubuhlobo ngokusho izinto ezingenangqondo noma ezilimazayo.”
Ngaphandle kwalabo, ngokuyisisekelo abangazethembi, kunabanye abantula amakhono obungane adingekayo ukuze bakhe ubuhlobo nabanye. Ngokuphathelene nabo, isazi sezokwelapha u-Evelyn Moschetta sithi: “Abantu abanesizungu abanaso isimo sengqondo esihle ngempela ngabo. Njengoba belindele ukwenqatshwa, abazihluphi ngokujwayelana nabanye.”
Nokho, ngokuphambene nokuhlakanipha okwamukelwa ngokuvamile, abacwaningi baye bathola ukuthi abesifazane namadoda abakhulile banesizungu esingaphansi kwalesi esiphatha abantu abasebasha. Abaqiniseki ukuthi kungani. Baye bathola futhi ukuthi lapho abantu abadala behlushwa isizungu, kubangelwa kakhulu ukuntula abangane kunokuntula abomndeni. “Akukhona ukuthi ubuhlobo bomkhaya abubalulekile kubantu abadala. Baphendukela emkhayeni ukuze bathole usizo. Kodwa bangase babe nomkhaya omkhulu wokubasiza, kodwa bazizwe besenesizungu esikhulu uma bengenabangane.”
Isidingo Sabangane Abaseduze
Kubantu babo bonke ubudala, ngezinye izikhathi abangane bagcwalisa isidingo esingaphezu kwaleso esingase sigcwaliswe umkhaya nezihlobo. Abantu badinga umngane, umngane oseduze, abangathululela kuye isifuba sabo noma bazembule kuye ngaphandle kokwesaba ukulimala. Ngaphandle komngane onjalo, isizungu singase sikhule. Umlobi wezindaba waseMelika uRalph Waldo Emerson wabhala lokhu ngomngane onjalo: ‘Umngane umuntu engingayiveza kuye imizwa yami.’ Umuntu onjalo umuntu ongamethemba ongazembula kuye ngokuphelele ngaphandle kokwesaba ukukhashelwa noma ukhathazeke ngokuthi izimfihlo zakho ziyosetshenziselwa ukukujivaza noma ukwenza abanye bakuhleke. Abanye okungenzeka ukuthi ububabheka njengabangane abathembekayo kungenzeka abazange ngaso sonke isikhathi bazibonakalise bethembekile kuwe, kodwa ‘kunomngane’ ‘ongayambuli imfihlakalo yomunye,’ ‘obambelela kuneselamani.’—IzAga 18:24; 25:9.
Kukhona labo abathanda ukuzenza abaqinile nabangadingi-muntu. Bazisholo ukuthi bazimele futhi banelisekile ngabo ngokwabo. Nokho, ngokuvamile bazihlanganisa namaqembu alabo okuthiwa osiyazi. Izingane zinabangane, zakha izikhungo zamaqembu, ziphila njengesixuku; intsha esikhulile inamaqembu ezithuthuthu; amasela anabangane abangeke bawakhaphele; labo abanezinkinga zokuphuza bajoyina i-Alcoholics Anonymous; labo abalwisana nokukhuluphala bajoyina i-Weight Watchers. Abantu banobungane; bayahlangana ukuze basekelane. Ngisho nasosizini lwabo, bayathanda ukuzihlanganisa nabanye abafana nabo. Futhi bonke basizonda ngokufanayo isizungu. Yini engenziwa ngesizungu?
[Amazwi acashunwe esihlokweni ekhasini 5]
“Abantu abanesizungu abanaso isimo sengqondo esihle ngempela ngabo”