Indlela Yokubhekana Nokudlwengulwa
Eminyakeni engu-33 edlule uMary wadlwengulwa ekhonjwe ngommese. Namuhla, inhliziyo kaMary ishaya kakhulu futhi izandla zakhe zijuluke uma ezama ukukuchaza. Efuna ukukhala, uthi: “Yinto elulaza kunazo zonke owesifazane angabhekana nayo. Yinto embi, eyesabekayo.”
UKUDLWENGULWA kungaba esinye sezenzakalo ezilimaza kakhulu ngokomzwelo ekuphileni komuntu, futhi imiphumela ingahlala njalo. Kokunye ukuhlola, cishe ingxenye eyodwa kwezintathu zabantu abake badlwengulwa okwaxoxwa nabo babeye bacabanga ngokuzibulala, futhi inani elikhulu kakhulu lithi lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kwakubashintshe ngokuphelele.
Imiphumela ingaba ezwisa ubuhlungu ngokukhethekile uma owesifazane emazi umhlaseli. Isisulu esidlwengulwe umuntu esimjwayele cishe akunakwenzeka ukuba sithole ukusekela okuvela kwabanye ngenxa yokuthi kungakhathaliseki ukuthi asitsheli muntu lokho okwenzekile noma kukhona esimtshelayo, akekho okukholelwayo ukuthi sadlwengulwa. Njengoba siye saphathwa kabi othile ebesimethemba, cishe siyozisola ngokwaso futhi singabaze nekhono laso lokwahlulela abantu.
Yamukela Usizo
Abantu abaningi abadlwengulwa baqala basabele ngokushaqeka nokungakukholelwa ukuthi kwenzekile. Omunye wesifazane wadlwengulwa ngaphambi nje kokuba abhale ukuhlolwa okubalulekile kwasekolishi. Ukudlwengulwa wakugudluzela eceleni engqondweni yakhe kwaze kwaba yilapho esehloliwe. Omunye umuntu owadlwengulwa wathi: “Ngangingenakuzivumela ukuba ngikhumbule noma yini kukho ngenxa yokuthi umuntu engangijwayelene naye engimethembayo waba umhlaseli wami ngibhekile. Ngangingazi ukuthi ungadlwengulwa umuntu omaziyo. Kungezwakala kungenangqondo, kodwa leyonkolelo yangishiya ngingenathemba. Ngazizwa ngisele dengwane.”
Abanye besifazane bayaqhubeka bengakukholelwa lokho okwenzekile ngokuthi bangatsheli muntu ngokudlwengulwa kwabo. Ukuhlaselwa kwabo bakufihla iminyaka eminingi, okwenza inqubo yokuphola kwamanxeba ingasheshi futhi kubangele ezinye izinkinga ezingokomzwelo umuntu owadlwengulwa angase angaqapheli ukuthi zibangelwa ukudlwengulwa.
Ngokuvamile ukululama akwenzeki kuze kube yilapho uxoxa nothile. Umngane omethembayo angakusiza ukuba ubone ukuthi wadlwengulwa ngempela nokuthi kwakungelona iphutha lakho. Isaga esidala sithi: “Umngane uthanda ngezikhathi zonke, nomzalwane uzalwa ekuhluphekeni.” (IzAga 17:17) Futhi, abelusi abangokomoya bangaba “yindawo yokucashela umoya nesivikelo esivunguvungwini.” (Isaya 32:2; 1 Thesalonika 5:14) Ngezinye izisulu, ukuthintana nenhlangano ephathelene nezisulu zokudlwengulwa noma umeluleki owuchwepheshe kungase kudingeke ukuze kuzisize ziqonde imizwa yazo.
Ngokuvamile abadlwengulwa bayesaba ukukhuluma ngokudlwengulwa kwabo ngenxa yokuba nemizwa yecala, ikakhulukazi uma inkanuko yabo yobulili yavuswa phakathi nokudlwengulwa. Bangase bazizwe bengcolile futhi bengelutho futhi bazisole ngenxa yokudlwengulwa—ngisho nakuba kungumdlwenguli okufanele asolwe.
“Ukuba nomngane omuhle ongaxoxa naye kwenza umehluko,” kwasho uMary, owembulela umKristu akanye naye isifuba. “Ngangikwazi ukuxoxa naye futhi ngingazizwa ngingcolile futhi ngingabi nomuzwa wokuba nesihlamba ngenxa yokuba odlwenguliwe.”
Msekele
Ngakolunye uhlangothi, kuyoba okungafanele nokungabonisi uthando ngabangane besisulu ukuba bangabaze noma banqume bona ngokwabo ukuthi “sadlwengulwa ngempela” yini. Ungalokothi usikisele ukuthi sakujabulela noma ukuthi kwakuwukuziphatha okubi. Into ebaluleke kakhulu umngane angayenza lapho ecelwa usizo iwukuba asikholelwe. Siqinisekise. Zenze utholakale ukuba usilalele lapho sifuna ukukhuluma, kodwa ungasiphoqeleli ukuba sisho imininingwane.
Uma ukudlwengula kusanda kwenzeka, abangane bangasisiza isisulu ukuba sithole usizo lwezokwelapha futhi basinikeze indawo elondekile yokuhlala. Sikhuthazeni ukuba sikubike ukudlwengulwa, kodwa kube yisona esenza izinqumo. Sisanda kubhekana nesimo lapho saphucwa konke ukuzilawula. Sivumele ukuba siphinde sikuzuze futhi lokho kuzilawula ngokusivumela ukuba sikhethe lokho esizokwenza ngokulandelayo.
Imikhaya yezisulu zokudlwengula kufanele imelane nesifiso sokusabela ngokomzwelo kulesimo. Ingase ifune othile engamsola ngenxa yokudlwengula noma ifune ukuziphindiselela kumdlwenguli, okungekho kulokhu okusiza isisulu. (Roma 12:19) Kuyize ukusola othile ngaphandle komdlwenguli ngalokho okwenzekile, futhi ukufuna ukuziphindiselela kuyingozi. Kuyobangela odlwenguliwe ukuba akhathazeke ngokulondeka kwabathandekayo bakhe esikhundleni sokugxila ekululameni kwakhe.
Imikhaya kufanele futhi iqaphele ukuthi abantu abaningi abadlwengulwa babheka ubuhlobo bobulili ngendlela ehlukile ngemva kokudlwengulwa. Ezingqondweni zabo, ubulili buye baba isikhali, futhi bangase babe nenkinga ebuhlotsheni bobulili okwesikhathi esithile, ngisho nanomuntu abamthandayo nabamethembayo. Ngenxa yalesosizathu, indoda akufanele iphoqelele umkayo ukuba aqalise ubuhlobo bobulili kuze kube yilapho esekulungele. (1 Petru 3:7) Imikhaya ingasiza ngokwakha ukuzihlonipha kowesifazane osemusha nokumbonisa ukuthi usathandwa futhi usahlonishwa naphezu kwalokho okwenzekile kuye. Ukusekela ngokuqhubekayo kuyodingeka njengoba lowo owadlwengulwa ngezinye izikhathi ebhekana nezikhathi ezinzima ukuze alulame ngokomzwelo.
Ukubhekana Nokwesaba Kanye Nokucindezeleka
Abesifazane abaye badlwengulwa bathi ukusabela kwabo okubakhungathekisa kakhulu ukwesaba. Izisulu eziningi zokudlwengula zazingakulindele ukusinda kulokuhlasela. Kamuva zingase zesabe ukuthi zingase ziphinde zidlwengulwe noma zingase ngisho zesabe ukuthi kungenzeka zibone umdlwenguli.
Ukwesaba okwenziwa phakathi nokudlwengula kungavuselelwa imisindo, amaphunga, kanye nezindawo okufanayo. Uma owesifazane adlwengulwa endaweni ewumhubhe, angase esabe ukungena emhubheni. Uma adlwengulelwa ekhaya, angase angazizwa neze elondekile uma ephinda eba lapho futhi angase aphoqeleleke ukuba athuthe. Ngisho nokuzwa iphunga lesiqholo esifana naleso esasifakwe umdlwenguli kungabangela izinkumbulo ezingezinhle.
Nakuba kumbalwa ukudlwengulwa okuphumela ekukhulelweni, izisulu eziningi ziyesaba ukuthi kungase kwenzeke. Eziningi futhi ziyesaba ngokufanelekile ukuthi kungenzeka zingenwe isifo esithathelwana ngobuhlobo bobulili. Cishe ingxenye yezisulu iba nemizwa yokucindezeleka, ukungabi nathemba, kanye nokuba yize, engahlala isikhathi eside kusuka emasontweni athile kuye ezinyangeni ezithile. Zingase futhi zihlushwe ukukhathazeka, ukwesaba izinto ezithile, kanye nokuhlaselwa uvalo.
Nakuba abesifazane bengase bangakwazi ukuvimbela ukudlwengulwa, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi bangakwazi ukulawula imicabango yabo, imizwa, kanye nokusabela ekuhlaseleni. Bangafunda ukukhipha imiqondo engaqondile ngokuba nemibono emihle ngabo ngokwabo.
“Esikhundleni sokuzitshela ukuthi umubi kangakanani, uyize, noma awunalusizo, funda ukuzitshela ngendlela owenza kahle ngayo nanokuthi uye wathuthuka kangakanani kusukela kwenzeka inhlekelele ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlaselwa,” kwasho uLinda Ledray kwethi Recovering From Rape. “Usuku ngalunye ozizwa ungakhungathekile kakhulu ngalo ngemicabango kanye nemizwa emibi, zitshele ukuthi, ‘Ngifunda ukuzuza ukuzilawula futhi.’”
Ukwesaba futhi kungabhekwana nakho ngokufunda ukuthola ngokuqondile ukuthi yini ekubangelayo. Lapho isisulu sithola ukuthi yini ekubangelayo, singazibuza, Kungokoqobo kangakanani lokho kwesaba? Ngokwesibonelo, uma ebona othile ofana nomdlwenguli, angase azikhumbuze ukuthi akasiye umdlwenguli futhi ngeke amlimaze.
Enye indlela etuswayo yokubhekana nokwesaba iwukuthuntubeza imizwa ngokuhleleka. Owesifazane wenza uhlu lwezinto noma izimo azesabayo, aqale ngalezo angazesabi kakhulu kuye kwazesaba kakhulu. Khona-ke azibone ngeso lengqondo esesimweni esingacindezeli kakhulu kuze kube yilapho singasabonakali simesabisa. Uba nombono wesimo ngasinye ehle njalo ngohlu kuze kube yilapho engasakhathazeki lapho ecabanga ngazo zonke lezimo.
Ngosizo lomngane, angabe-ke esethuthukela ekwenzeni imisebenzi yokuphila okungokoqobo, njengokuphuma endlini ebusuku noma ukuba yedwa. Ekugcineni angakulawula ukwesaba kwakhe kangangoba kungabe kusasiphazamisa isimiso sakhe sansuku zonke. Nokho, ukwesaba imisebenzi ethile—njengokuhamba emhubheni ebusuku—kunengqondo, futhi akunakuba nanjongo ukuzama ukuqeda ukungakhululeki ezimweni ezinjalo.
Ukuqondisa Intukuthelo Kwenye Indawo
Abake badlwengulwa baba futhi nemizwa yentukuthelo, leyo ekuqaleni engaqondiswa kubo bonke abantu besilisa, kodwa njengoba isikhathi siqhubeka, ngokuvamile igxiliswa kumdlwenguli. Abantu abathukuthele ngokuvamile intukuthelo yabo bayibonisa kunoma ubani. Abanye bangasabela ngokucindezela imizwa yabo. Nokho, intukuthelo ingaqondiswa ngendlela eyakhayo, futhi indlela umuntu abhekana ngayo nentukuthelo yakhe ingamsiza ukuba alulame. UmBhalo uthi: “Thukuthelani ningoni.”—Efesu 4:26.
Okokuqala, abantu abadlwengulwa akudingeki ukuba besabe ukuveza intukuthelo yabo. Bangakhuluma ngayo kwabanye. Ukuhileleka enqubweni engokomthetho noma ukugcina umbhalo kungaba indlela yokuyikhipha. Bangayiqeda futhi intukuthelo yabo ngemisebenzi yokuvivinya umzimba, enjengethenisi, i-racquetball, i-handball, ukuhambahamba, ukugijima, ukugibela ibhayisekili, noma ukubhukuda, okunenzuzo eyenezelwe yokusiza ekunqobeni ukucindezeleka.
Ungakwazi ukuphinda ulawule ukuphila kwakho.
Yini Eyoqeda Ukudlwengula?
Ukuqeda ukudlwengula kungaphezu nje kokuba abesifazane babacashele abadlwenguli noma balwe nabo. “Amadoda adlwengulayo futhi amadoda ebambisene anamandla okuqeda ukudlwengula,” kwasho umlobi uTimothy Beneke encwadini yakhe i-Men on Rape.
Ukudlwengula ngeke kuphele kuze kube yilapho amadoda eyeka ukuphatha abesifazane njengezinto nje zobulili futhi afunde ukuthi ubuhlobo obuphumelelayo abuxhomekile ekubuseni ngobudlova. Ngokwezinga lomuntu ngamunye, amadoda avuthiwe angakhuluma futhi athonye amanye amadoda. Kokubili amadoda nabesifazane bangenqaba ukuvumela amahlaya obulili, ukubukela izithombe zamabhayisikobho abukisa ubudlova obungokobulili, noma ukusekela abakhangisi abasebenzisa kabi ubulili ukuze badayise imikhiqizo. IBhayibheli liyeluleka: “Kepha ubufebe‚ nakho konke ukungcola‚ noma isangabe‚ makungaphathwa nangegama phakathi kwenu‚ njengokuba kufanele abangcwele‚ nehlazo‚ nokubheda‚ nokulawula‚ okuyizinto ezingafanele‚ kepha kunalokho makube-ngukubonga.”—Efesu 5:3, 4.
Abazali bangafundisa ukuba nenhlonipho ngabesifazane ngesibonelo sabo. Bangawafundisa amadodana abo ukuba abheke abesifazane njengoba uJehova uNkulunkulu ebabheka. UNkulunkulu akakhethi. (IzEnzo 10:34) Abazali bangawafundisa amadodana abo ukuba abe abangane nabantu besifazane futhi azizwe ekhululekile lapho enabo, njengoba uJesu enza. Bangawafundisa amadodana abo ukuthi ukuhlangana ngokobulili kuyisenzo somusa esingesothando esenziwa nomngane womshado kuphela. Abazali bangabonisa ngokusobala ukuthi ubudlova ngeke bubekezelelwe, futhi ukubusa abanye ngeke kwaziswe. (IHubo 11:5) Bangabakhuthaza abantwana babo ukuba baxoxe nabo ngokukhululekile ngezindaba zobulili futhi bamelane nokucindezela kobulili.
Inkinga Ezophela Ngokushesha
Nokho, ukudlwengula ngeke kuphele ngaphandle kokuba kube khona izinguquko ezinkulu emphakathini womhlaba. Umcwaningi uLinda Ledray wathi: “Ukudlwengula akuyona nje inkinga yomuntu ngamunye [kodwa] futhi kuyinkinga yomkhaya, inkinga yomphakathi, kanye nenkinga yesizwe.”
IBhayibheli lithembisa umphakathi womhlaba wonke ongenabo ubudlova, lapho umuntu engeke ‘abuse omunye kube-ngukulimala kwakhe.’ (UmShumayeli 8:9; Isaya 60:18) Ngokushesha kuzofika isikhathi lapho uJehova uNkulunkulu engeke abekezelele noma ikuphi ukusetshenziswa kabi kwamandla, kuhlanganise nokudlwengula.—IHubo 37:9, 20.
Kulowomphakathi womhlaba omusha, bonke abantu bayofundiswa ukuba babe nokuthula futhi bayothandana kungakhathaliseki ubulili, uhlanga, noma ubuzwe. (Isaya 54:13) Futhi ngalesosikhathi, abantu abamnene bayophila ngaphandle kokwesaba abangane noma abantu abangabazi futhi ‘bayothokoza ngokuthula okukhulu.’—IHubo 37:11.
[bhokisi/Isithombe ekhasini 9]
Uma Udlwenguliwe
□ Funa ukunakekela kwabezokwelapha.
□ Uma uthanda, cela ukuba umeluleki wezisulu zokudlwengulwa ahambe nawe ezindaweni zezokwelapha nezingokomthetho uma etholakala.
□ Shayela aamaphoyisa ucingo ngokushesha nje lapho usukwazi. Abeluleki batusa ukuba ubike ukuze uphephe wena nabanye besifazane. Ukubika akufani nokumangalela, kodwa uma kamuva ukhetha ukumangalela, icala lakho liyolulazwa ukwephuza ukubika.
□ Gcina ubufakazi. Ungagezi, ungashintshi izingubo, ugeze noma ukame izinwele, noma ususe izinyathelo zeminwe noma zezinyawo.
□ Izisebenzi zezokwelapha ziyoqoqa ubufakazi futhi ziyokuhlola ukuthi awunazo yini izifo ezithathelwana ngobulili nanokuthi awukhulelwe yini. Uma bekunikeza imilaliso evimbela ukukhulelwa, eyaziwa ngenye indlela ngokuthi iphilisi elivimbela iqanda eselihlangene nesidoda ukuba lingene esibelethweni, amaKristu kufanele aqaphele ukuthi imilaliso enjalo ingabangela ukuba umzimba uhlakaze iqanda eseliwumbungu.
□ Yenza konke ongakwenza ukuze uzizwe ulondekile—shintsha okhiye, hlala nomngane, faka imigoqo emnyango wakho—kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kubonakala sengathi uyeqisa noma cha.
□ Ngaphezu kwakho konke, funda imiBhalo ukuze ududuzeke, uthandaze kuJehova, uze ngisho ulibize ngokuphimisela igama lakhe, phakathi nangemva kokuhlaselwa. Thembela kubadala kanye nabanye abangane abaseduze ebandleni ukuze bakusekele. Yiba khona emihlanganweni uma kungenzeka, futhi funa ukuhamba namaKristu okanye nawo enkonzweni.