Lupholiswa Yini Uthando?
“Kubonakala kulula ukuqala ukuthandana nomuntu kunokuhlala nithandana.”—NGUDKT. KAREN KAYSER.
MHLAWUMBE akumangazi ukwanda kwemishado engenaluthando. Umshado uwubuhlobo babantu obuyinkimbinkimbi, futhi abaningi bangena kuwo bengazilungiselele. UDkt. Dean S. Edell uyaphawula: “Kudingeka sibonise ikhono elithile ukuze sithole izincwadi zokushayela, kodwa incwadi yomshado ungayithola ngokumane usayine nje.”
Ngakho-ke, nakuba imishado eminingi iphumelela futhi ijabule ngempela, eminingi idonsa kanzima. Mhlawumbe bobabili abangane bomshado noma oyedwa kubo bangene emshadweni belindele lukhulu kodwa abanawo amakhono adingekayo ukuze balondoloze ubuhlobo besikhathi eside. UDkt. Harry Reis uyachaza: “Lapho abantu beqala ukusondelana, baba nomuzwa omkhulu wokuqiniseka ngomunye nomunye.” Baba nomuzwa wokuthi umngane wabo “uwukuphela komuntu emhlabeni onombono ofana nowabo. Ngezinye izikhathi lowo muzwa uyaphela, futhi uma uphela, ungawulimaza kakhulu umshado.”
Ngokujabulisayo, imishado eminingi ayifiki kulelo qophelo. Kodwa ake sicabangele ezimbalwa zezici eziye zabangela ukuphola kothando kwezinye izimo.
Indumalo—“Bengingakulindele Lokhu”
URose uthi: “Lapho ngishada noJim, ngangicabanga ukuthi ngiwuthumele igundane—kuyoba nokukhangana nothando nokukhathalelana.” Nokho, ngemva kwesikhathi umngane womshado kaRose wayengasakhangi kangako. URose uthi: “Ngadumala kakhulu ngaye.”
Amabhayisikobho, izincwadi nezingoma ezithandwayo eziningi ziveza umbono ongewona ngothando. Ngesikhathi besathandana, insizwa nentombi bangase babe nomuzwa wokuthi kufezeka iphupho; kodwa ngemva kweminyaka embalwa beshadile, baphetha ngokuthi kumelwe ukube babephupha ngempela! Umshado obungase uphumelele kungase kubonakale sengathi uyahluleka ngenxa nje yokuthi awunjengoba kushiwo ezincwadini zothando.
Kuyiqiniso ukuthi okunye umuntu akulindele emshadweni kufanelekile. Ngokwesibonelo, kufanelekile ukulindela uthando, ukunakwa nokusekelwa umngane wakho womshado. Nokho, ngisho nalezi zifiso zingase zingeneliswa. UMeena, umakoti osemusha waseNdiya, uthi: “Ngizizwa sengathi angishadile. Ngizizwa nginesizungu futhi nginganakiwe.”
Ukungafanelani—“Asifani Ngalutho”
Omunye wesifazane uthi: “Mina nomyeni wami siyimpumalanga nentshonalanga cishe kukho konke. Alikaze lishone ngingazisoli ngokuthi ngashadelani naye. Asifanelani nakancane nje.”
Ngokuvamile akuthathi isikhathi eside ukuba umbhangqwana oshadile ubone ukuthi awufani njengoba wawucabanga lapho usathandana. “Umshado uvame ukuveza izici abangane bomshado ababengazazi nabo ngesikhathi bengakashadi,” kubhala uDkt. Nina S. Fields.
Ngenxa yalokho, ngemva komshado eminye imibhangqwana ingase iphethe ngokuthi ayifanelani nhlobo. UDkt. Aaron T. Beck uthi: “Naphezu kokufana okuthile ezintweni abazithandayo nobuntu babo, abantu abaningi bangenela umshado behluke kakhulu endleleni yabo yokwenza izinto, imikhuba nesimo sabo sengqondo.” Imibhangqwana eminingi ayazi ukuthi ingakuvumelanisa kanjani lokhu kungafani.
Ingxabano—“Sihlale Siphikisana”
“Samangala ukuthi sasixabana kanjani—size ngisho simemezane, noma okubi nakakhulu, sihlale izinsuku singakhulumisani,” kusho uCindy, ekhumbula ngesikhathi besanda kushada.
Ukungavumelani akunakugwenywa emshadweni. Kodwa kusingathwa kanjani? UDkt. Daniel Goleman uthi: “Emshadweni okahle, indoda nomfazi bazizwa bekhululekile ukuveza izikhalo zabo. Kodwa kaningi lapho becasukile izikhalo zishiwo ngendlela elimazayo, njengokungathi umuntu uhlasela omunye.”
Uma lokhu kwenzeka, ingxoxo iphenduka inkundla yempi lapho ngamunye evikela imibono yakhe ngokungancengi futhi amazwi aba yizikhali esikhundleni sokuba amathuluzi okukhulumisana. Elinye iqembu lochwepheshe lithi: “Enye yezinto ezilimaza kakhulu ngokuphikisana okungalawuleki ukuthi abangane bomshado basho izinto ezisongela isici esibaluleke kakhulu somshado wabo.”
Ukunganaki—“Sesihlulekile”
“Sengihlulekile ukuzama ukwenza umshado wethu uphumelele,” kuvuma omunye wesifazane ngemva kweminyaka emihlanu eshadile. “Ngiyazi ukuthi ngeke kusalunga. Into engiyikhathalelayo nje manje yizingane zethu.”
Kuthiwa imfanelo ephambene nothando akuyona inzondo kodwa ukunganaki. Ngempela, ukunganaki kungalimaza umshado njengobutha.
Nokho, kuyadabukisa ukuthi abanye abangane bomshado bayawujwayela umshado ongenaluthando baze balahle ithemba lokuthi kungake kushintshe. Ngokwesibonelo, omunye umyeni wathi njengoba eseneminyaka engu-23 eshadile kufana “nokuba semsebenzini ongawuthandi.” Wanezela: “Wenza konke okusemandleni akho kuleso simo.” Ngokufanayo, owesifazane okuthiwa uWendy uselahle ithemba ngomyeni wakhe weminyaka engu-7. Uthi: “Ngizame kaningi, kodwa njalo uyangidumaza. Ngigcine sengicindezelekile. Angisafuni ukuhlangabezana nalokhu futhi. Uma ngiba nethemba, ngimane ngizwe ubuhlungu. Kungcono ngingathembi lutho—ngeke ngijabule kodwa akulutho ngoba ngeke ngicindezeleke.”
Indumalo, ukungafanelani, ingxabano nokunganaki kungezinye zezici ezingenza umshado ungabi naluthando. Kusobala ukuthi kunokwengeziwe—okunye kwakho kuphawuliwe ebhokisini elisekhasini 5. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi iyini imbangela, ingabe likhona ithemba ngabangane bomshado ababonakala bevaleleke emshadweni ongenaluthando?
[Ibhokisi/Isithombe ekhasini 5]
IMISHADO ENGENALUTHANDO—EZINYE IZICI EZIYIMBANGELA
• Imali: “Umuntu angase acabange ukuthi ukwenza uhlelo lokusebenzisa imali kungasiza ekwenzeni umbhangqwana usebenzelane ndawonye ngobunye, uhlanganise imali yawo ezintweni zokuphila eziyisisekelo futhi ujabulele izithelo zokuzikhandla kwawo. Kodwa nalapha futhi, lokho okungahlanganisa umbhangqwana ndawonye ngokuvamile yikho okuwuhlukanisayo.”—UDkt. Aaron T. Beck.
• Ubuzali: “Sitholé ukuthi emibhangqwaneni engamaphesenti angu-67 liyehla kakhulu izinga lokwaneliseka emshadweni ngemva kokuthola umntwana wokuqala, futhi izingxabano zanda ngokuphindwe izikhathi ezingu-8. Ngokwengxenye, lokhu kubangelwa ukuthi abazali bayakhathala futhi bangabi naso isikhathi esiningi sokusichitha ndawonye.”—UDkt. John Gottman.
• Ukukhohlisa: “Ukungathembeki emshadweni ngokuvamile kuhilela ukukhohlisa, futhi empeleni ukukhohlisa kuwohloza ukwethembana. Njengoba ukwethembana kuchazwa njengesici esibalulekile kuyo yonke imishado ephumelela isikhathi eside, ingabe kuyamangaza ukuthi ukukhohlisa kungalimaza ubuhlobo bomshado?”—UDkt. Nina S. Fields.
• Ubulili: “Ngesikhathi abantu befaka isehlukaniso, kuyethusa ukuthi ngokuvamile kusuke sekuyiminyaka bengasabuhlanganyeli ubulili. Kwezinye izimo ubuhlobo bobulili abukaze bube khona, kanti kwabanye ubulili babumane benziwa nje, ukuze kwaneliswe izidingo zomunye ezingokomzimba.”—UJudith S. Wallerstein, uchwepheshe wezinkinga zengqondo nokuziphatha kwabantu.
[Ibhokisi/Isithombe ekhasini 6]
IZINGANE ZITHINTEKA KANJANI?
Ingabe isimo somshado wakho singazithinta izingane zakho? NgokukaDkt. John Gottman, osecwaninge ngemibhangqwana eshadile iminyaka engu-20, impendulo ithi yebo. Uthi: “Emikhankasweni emibili yocwaningo eyathatha iminyaka eyishumi, sathola ukuthi izingane zabazali abangajabule izinhliziyo zazo zishaya ngamandla uma zidlala futhi azikhululeki. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, izingxabano zasemshadweni zenza ukuba ingane ithole amamaki aphansi esikoleni, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ihlakaniphe kangakanani.” Ngakolunye uhlangothi, uDkt. Gottman uthi izingane zemibhangqwana eshadile ekahle “zenza kangcono esikoleni nasebudlelwaneni nabanye abantu, ngoba abazali bazo baye bazibonisa indlela yokuphatha abanye abantu ngenhlonipho neyokusingatha izinkinga ezingokomzwelo.”