Intsha Iyabuza . . .

Ngingakuqhuba Kanjani Ukuqomisana Okuphumelelayo?

“IPHUTHA lami elikhulu kakhulu kwakuwukuthandana noAndy ngaphambi kokuzinikeza isikhathi esanele sokubona uhlobo lomuntu ayeyilo,” kusho uLouise, umshado wakhe owaqedwa ngesahlukaniso. “Ukuqomisana kwethu kwakulinganiselwe kithi sobabili kuphela. Angikaze ngibone indlela asabela ngayo ngaphandle kwalezozimo ‘ezinhle.’”

Nakuba umshado kaLouise wahlala iminyaka eyisikhombisa yosizi, izinkinga ezingathi sina zavela phakathi namasonto ambalwa beshadile. Ungawagwema kanjani amaphutha anjalo futhi usebenzise ukuqomisana ukuze ulungiselele umshado ojabulisayo?

Ngaphambi Kokuphola

NgokweBhayibheli, “indoda [noma owesifazane] ohlakaniphileyo uyabheka futhi aqaphele kahle lapho eya khona.” (IzAga 14:15, The Amplified Bible) Ukuzihilela ngokomzwelo nothile ongamazi kahle kungaholela ekushadeni nomuntu onemizwelo nemigomo ehluke kakhulu kweyakho. Ngakho okokuqala mphawule lowomuntu eqenjini, mhlawumbe lapho nijabulela ukuzilibazisa okuthile.

“Ngangazi ukuthi uma ngangizisondeza kakhulu okokuqala, imizwelo yami yayiyodida ukwahlulela kwami,” kuchaza uDave, manje oneminyaka eyishumi eshade ngokujabulisayo. “Ngakho uRose ngambukela kude engazi ukuthi nganginesithakazelo kuye. Ngangiyibona indlela ayephatha ngayo abanye, nokuthi wayengeyena umuntu odlala ngemizwelo yabanye. Ezingxoxweni ezivamile, ngathola izimo nemigomo yakhe.” Kuhlakaniphile futhi ukukhuluma nothile omazi kahle lowomuntu ukuze uthole ukuthi luhlobo luni lwedumela analo.—Qhathanisa nezAga 31:31.

Izikhathi Zokuqala Zokuphola

Okokuqala ngqá, kumelwe ucabangele ukuthi wena (nanoma yimuphi umngane ocatshangelwayo) nisebudaleni obufanele yini bokushada futhi nisesimweni sokugcwalisa imithwalo yemfanelo yomshado. Uma usuye wanquma ukuthi umuntu othile unazo izimfanelo zokuba umlingane womshado, ungase uthintane nalowomuntu futhi ubonise isifiso sakho sokufuna ukumazi kangcono.a Uma uthola ukusabela okuqondile, ukuphola kwakho kokuqala akumelwe kube yisenzo esiyinkimbinkimbi. Ukuphola kwangesikhathi sedina, noma ngisho ukuphola kokuba ingxenye yeqembu, kuyokwenza ukuba nijwayelane kangcono ukuze ninqume ukuthi niyafuna yini ukubuqhubekisela phambili ubuhlobo. Ukugcina izinto zisesilinganisweni kudambisa uvalo nobabili eningase niluzwe ekuqaleni. Futhi ngokugwema izenzo zothando zokuzihilela kwangaphambi kwesikhathi, unganciphisa imizwa yokwenqatshwa—noma ukudumazeka—uma omunye wenu ephelelwa isithakazelo.

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi yiluphi uhlobo lokuphola oluhleliwe, fika ngesikhathi, ugqoke ngobunono nangendlela efanelekile. Bonisa amakhono omuntu okwaziyo ukuxoxa. Yiba yisilaleli esinomdlandla.b Izinsizwa ziyofuna ukulandela lokho okucatshangelwa ngokwendawo njengenhlonipho. Lokhu kungase kuhlanganise ukuvulela intokazi umnyango noma ukuyisiza ukuba ihlale. Nakuba intombi ingalindele ukuba iphathiswe okwenkosazane, kumelwe ibambisane nemizamo yokuphola kwayo ngokuthobeka. Nakuba ingekho imithetho eqinile ezindabeni ezinjalo, insizwa kumelwe ibeke isibonelo senhlonipho ngekusasa, ngokuba indoda iyalwa ukuba ‘inike umkayo udumo njengesitsha esibuthakathaka.’—1 Petru 3:7.

Ingabe ukubambana ngezandla, ukuqabulana, noma ukwangana kufanelekile, futhi uma kunjalo, nini? Lapho zenziwa njengezibonakaliso zangempela zothando—hhayi inkanuko yobugovu—izenzo ezinjalo zingabhekwa njengezihlanzekile emehlweni kaNkulunkulu. IsiHlabelelo SeziHlabelelo esiphefumlelwe uNkulunkulu sibonisa ukuthi izenzo zokubonisa uthando ezifanelekile zazihlanganyelwa phakathi kwentombi yomShulamiti nomalusi eyayimthanda futhi ababezoshada ngokushesha. (IsiHlabelelo SeziHlabelelo 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) Kodwa njengakulowombhangqwana omsulwa, umbhangqwana uyokunakekela ngokwengeziwe ukuthi izenzo zothando azibi ngezingahlanzekile noma ziholele ekuziphatheni okubi kobulili. (Galathiya 5:19, 21) Izenzo zokubonisa uthando kumelwe zenziwe kuphela uma ubuhlobo sebufinyelele iqophelo lapho sekwenziwe ukuzibopha kothando nomshado ubonakala ukulungele ukwenzeka. Uma wenza kanjalo, awunakuphazanyiswa enhloswemi eyinhloko yokuqomisana okuphumelelayo—ukumazi ngempela umuntu.

‘Umuntu Osithekileyo Wenhliziyo’

Ngemva kokuhlola lokho okwaholela ebuhlotsheni obuqinile phakathi kwemibhangqwana epholayo engama-231, iqembu labacwaningi labika kuyiJournal of Marriage and the Family (kaMay 1980): “Imishado ibonakala cishe isinda futhi ichuma ngokwengeziwe uma abantu beyingenela benolwazi olugcwele lwengaphakathi lomunye nomunye.” Yebo, ukwazi ‘umuntu osithekileyo wenhliziyo’ womngane wakho kubalulekile.—1 Petru 3:4.

Nokho, ‘ukukhipha’ izinjongo zenhliziyo yomunye kufuna umzamo. (IzAga 20:5) Hlela imisebenzi eyokusiza ukuba ubone ingaphakathi lomngane wakho. Nakuba ukuya ebhayisikobho noma ekhonsathini kungase kukwenze ekuqaleni, ukuhileleka emisebenzini eholela engxoxweni (njengokushibilika eqhweni, umdlalo okuthiwa ibowling, ukuvakashela emazoo nakumamnyuziyamu) kwenza kube lula ukujwayelana kangcono.

Ukuze uhlole imizwa yomngane wakho, sebenzisa imibuzo elula enjengokuthi, “Usisebenzisa kanjani isikhathi sakho okhululeke ngaso?” “Uma imali ibingeyona inkinga, yini obungathanda ukuyenza?” “Isiphi isici sokukhulekela kwethu uNkulunkulu osithanda kakhulu? Kungani?” Lemibuzo ivumela ukusabela okujule ukuze ukwazi lokho okuthandwa umngane wakho.

Njengoba ubuhlobo bujula futhi umbhangqwana uwucabangela ngokujulile ngokwengeziwe umshado, kunesidingo sokukhuluma ngokungathi sína ngezindaba ezibalulekile, njengokuthi niyohlala kuphi futhi kanjani, izindaba ezingokwezimali, noma nobabili niyosebenza ngaphandle kwekhaya, ukucatshangelwa kwendima yomunye nomunye emshadweni, abantwana, ukuhlelwa komndeni, imigomo yesikhathi esiseduze nemigomo yesikhathi eside nendlela enihlela ukuyifinyelela ngayo. Lesi isikhathi sokwembula izinto, mhlawumbe owazenza esikhathini esidlule, ezingase zithinte umshado, kuhlanganise noma yiziphi izikweleti noma izibopho ezinkulu. Izindaba eziphathelene nempilo, njenganoma yisiphi isifo esingathi sína, nazo kumelwe kuxoxwe ngazo.

Ezingxoxweni ezinjalo, landela isibonelo sikaElihu, owathi: “Ngikhuluma ngokusuka enhliziyweni yami futhi ngikhuluma ngobuqotho.” (Jobe 33:3, The Holy Bible in the Language of Today, nguBeck) Ekuchazeni indlela ukuqomisana kwakhe okwamlungiselela ngayo umshado ojabulisayo manje osuneminyaka eyishumi, uEsther wathi: “Angizange ngizame ‘ukuzenzisa’ noma ngithi ngivumelane noJaye lapho ngangizizwa ngokwehlukile. Namanje angikwenzi. Ngizama njalo ukwethembeka.”

Ungazigwemi izindaba ezibucayi noma uzithele ngamanzi abandayo ngazo ngenxa yokwesaba ukudumaza umngane wakho. UBeth wenza leliphutha phakathi nesikhathi sokuqomisana kwakhe noJohn. UBeth wathi wayekholelwa ekulondolozeleni ikusasa hhayi ukusaphaza imali. UJohn wathi wayevumelana naye. UBeth akabange esaphenyisisa ngokwengeziwe, ecabanga ukuthi babenombono ofanayo. Kodwa kamuva kwabonakala ukuthi umbono wakhe wokulondolozela ikusasa wawusho ukulondolozela imoto encane enejubane! Ngemva komshado baqhubeka bephikisana ngemali.

Ukungaqondani okunjalo kungagwenywa. ULouise, okukhulunywe ngaye ngaphambili, wavuma: “Kwakufanele ngimbuze imibuzo eminingi eyengeziwe, njengokuthi, ‘Kuthiwani uma ngingakhulelwa futhi ungafuni ukuba nomntwana?’ Noma ‘Uma siba nesikweleti futhi ngifuna ukuhlala ekhaya nginakekele umntwana wethu, uyokwenzani?’ Ngangiyokuqaphelisa ukusabela kwakhe.” Izingxoxo ezinjalo zingembula izimfanelo zenhliziyo okufanele zibonwe kahle ngaphambi komshado.

Mbone Ngezenzo!

“Umuntu angase abe nesimo esihle kakhulu lapho ninobabili kuphela,” kuchaza uEsther. “Kodwa lapho nizungezwe abanye, angase abekwe esimweni angasilindele. Omunye wabangane bakho angase asho okuthile kumngane wakho angase angakuthandi. Manje ukwazi ukubona indlela asabela ngayo ngaphansi kokucindezeleka. Ingabe uyomphoxa noma ameyise lowomuntu?” Ngakho, uyaphetha: “Ukuzungezwa abangane nabomkhaya womunye nomunye ngesikhathi sokuqomisana kwasiza kakhulu.”

Ngaphezu kokuzijabulisa, chitha isikhathi nisebenza ndawonye. Hlanganyelani imisebenzi yobuKristu, kuhlanganise nokutadisha iZwi likaNkulunkulu nenkonzo yobuKristu. Futhi, yenzani eminye yemisebenzi yansuku zonke leyo eyoba indlela yokuphila ngemva komshado—ukuthenga ukudla, ukukulungiselela, ukugeza izitsha, nokuhlanza indlu. Ngokuba ndawonye ngaphansi kwezimo zokuphila okungokoqobo—lapho umngane wakho engase ngisho athukuthele—ungabona lokho ayikho ngempela.

Umalusi esiHlabelelweni SeziHlabelelo wabona indlela intombi yakhe eyenza ngayo lapho idumazekile noma lapho isebenza ngaphansi kwelanga elishisayo—ijulukile futhi ikhathele. (IsiHlabelelo SeziHlabelelo 1:5, 6; 2:15) Ngemva kokuyibona yenqaba ngokwethembeka ukuyenga kweNkosi ecebile uSolomoni, wathi: “Umuhle wonke, sithandwa sami, akukho sisihla kuwe.” (IsiHlabelelo SeziHlabelelo 4:7) Ngokuqinisekile wayengaqondile ukuthi wayephelele, kodwa ubuhle bakhe obungokomzimba babukhuliswa amandla akhe okuziphatha. Wayengenasici noma isisihla esiyinhloko sokuziphatha. Engqondweni yakhe, amandla akhe ayedlula noma yibuphi ubuthakathaka.

Ngokusebenzisa ukuqomisana ngokuphumelelayo, uyokwazi ukwenza ukwahlulela okufanayo. Ubheké ngawo womabili, ungawungenela umshado unamakhono okunqoba izingxabano. Ukuqomisana okuphumelelayo kuyobe kunilungiselele nobabili umshado owanelisayo nojabulisayo.

[Imibhalo yaphansi]

[Isithombe ekhasini 12]

Ngokufuna umngane ocatshangelwayo ezimweni zokuphila okungokoqobo, ukwazi ukumazi ngempela lowomuntu